Loneliness…
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This word has come to mean so much to me. Much more than meets the eye…not even words themselves can explain it. It is a state I am all too familiar with. It captures the very essence of the me that I know. Just the thought of it is enough to bring tears to my eyes and if I think about it a little bit longer, my heart is sure to bleed a million times over, like a raw, deep,throbbing gash to the most sensitive part of the human flesh…It may heal, but for a moment, only to burst open and bleed again.
This wound, I will continue to open over and over and over and over again if that’s what it takes to remind me of the thing that I cling to…faith in a love that is greater than anything I’ve seen so far….
Loneliness for me is a pervasive feeling that overrides any other emotion or sensation. Loneliness becomes me. It is who I am…lonely and yet its not as abject as it sounds…
It has nothing to do with people in the sense of numbers….being around people or hanging with the crowd… Its not so much about being by oneself, isolated, alone, detached,only, secluded, solo …
It has more to do with that longing that remains just that…a longing that needs to be satisfied…
Acknowledging the existence of this state, for me, is comparable to undressing before the peoples of all the continents in the world…admitting my dependency… being made vulnerable on some platform with the whole universe for an audience…
and being happier for having done it…
The incessant urge for my spirit to be connected to another in some ethereal way is comparable to none other…I just can’t explain…
It is such a beautiful thing. I have this picture in my mind’s eye of what it looks like… I cannot explain it but it is so very real…
Its like falling backwards from the highest peak (maybe Mt. Everest) with your eyes closed…
believing with all your heart that…someone is going to catch you on a fluffy pillow and cover you with a warm blanket until you have landed safely…
My guess is that it must feel like that brief moment shortly after intense pain where a mother looks down on the innocent face of her newly born babe…seeing all the love in their eyes and knowing that he/she is hers to love and care for.
Or maybe its like that feeling you get when you have lost something you treasured only to have it turn up when you had given up all hope of getting it back…
The point is its real…all of nature testifies to this love…She pays tribute to it with every ounce of life that exists on earth. Most relationships on earth are contradictory to it as they are by their very nature self-seeking, shallow and superficial…they pale in comparison to this superior expression.
This love of which I speak is a much higher state of love that may be felt even throughout the greatest crises and the worst of natural disasters. And just as the rain intensifies during a storm…my belief in this higher love between two beings intensifies with every breath that I take…I cannot explain…
it is surreal…
words evade me…
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