Driven to Excellence
As a child growing up school work was my comfort zone. It was the one thing I felt I was exceptionally good at and had control over as I could get good grades sometimes even without much effort. I had a passion for excellence through academics, but in my desire for success the fear of failure was so great that I would only do things if I knew that I would be successful.

Disappointments
I also had very little experience with disappointments. One of my disappointments was in not achieving the A’ level grades I wanted… I felt they were just average, and didn’t sufficiently distinguish me from my peers. Yet “average” enough, my A’ level grades were good enough to get me into university and in the first year I had an A+ average and made the Dean’s List. Also in my first year at university I had also joined a Christian club and accepted Christ as my saviour while at their retreat. However, although I prayed to receive Christ in my life, I still had romanticized notions of happiness and love which were wrong, and I still felt justified through getting good grades in school. I was a Christian whenever I was around Christian friends and had even started telling God when I planned to stop doing things I knew were sinful, and gave Him a specific time and plans about how I was going to give up doing things my way and be fully committed to Him.

“I knew I needed God in my life but I had no idea how to “fit” Him into my life”

One day while lamenting how difficult my second year in university would be, my friend who was a Christian, began to encourage me saying that I should trust God to bring me through that difficulty. I agreed with her, but on my way home in my mind I was rejecting God and thinking that I didn’t need Him when I was capable of being successful on my own. After all, wasn’t I getting good grades in school throughout life without Him? However, my second year at university was indeed difficult, and because of my fear of failure and being unable to visualize me getting the A, I started having panic attacks before exams and while studying I had to frequently take anti-anxiety medication. Amidst all these problems, I knew I needed God in my life but I had no idea how to “fit” Him into my life. I was aware of my sins but I wasn’t completely feeling guilt, or when I did I ignored it.

I remembered that my friend had also told me that while she was a frequent attendee at sessions (parties), she had the desire to choose Christ but she didn’t know how to walk away from the partying. And so she prayed to God to help her, and within 6 months she was no longer into the partying scene. Upon remembering her Testimony, I began praying something like “Lord, I don’t know how I am going to serve you totally or when I will be able to stop doing these wrong things, but help me, have your way in me.” Eventually the wrong things that I used to do soon lost their appeal to me, but I was often stubborn and held on to these wrong things without realizing that God had something better.

3rd year…It Happened
Second year finished, and I was just making average grades. I started third year still deceiving myself that I was a Christian, when my actions proved otherwise. I had started to feel uneasy and afflicted and I knew that spiritually something was wrong with me. I went to church one Friday evening just seeking God’s peace, while at the back of my head I was thinking about all the sinful things that I was going to do once I felt better and my guilt was gone. However, God definitely had other plans for me that day! The message that was preached was about making the decision to change your lifestyle and no longer sin. To get that peace that only Christ can offer, I began to make the conscious decision to no longer live habitually sinning, and honestly accept God. I was able to start serving God with a pure conscience, although initially I still wanted to turn back but the fear of God’s punishment prevented me.

The Process of Change

Although I knew that from John 3:16 God loved me and sent His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for me to forgive me of my sins so that I didn’t have to struggle with sinning, simply reciting a prayer asking God to forgive me did not make me a Christian. Confessing my sins and asking God for forgiveness is indeed important, but so too is honesty before God and making the conscious choice to live according to His way. Even so, this wasn’t a 5 minute or an overnight process. My attitudes changed through the various situations that I have been in which forced me to call on God, to depend on Him and to trust Him even when I don’t know
what the outcome will be. As a Christian, I had to let go of some relationships with people, and start some new ones which at times was difficult.

And so…My Final Assessment
Overall, I still didn’t end up getting the perfect grades that I wanted and I narrowly missed graduating from university with the highest honours, but I knew that I had to learn to value a relationship with God where He alone can give me a sense of satisfaction which greatly exceeds the worth I can get from any material thing.